My left arm is going numb again.

It feels so light abd heavy at the same time.
I can clench my fist.
I can flex my arms.
I can stretch my fingers.
But there's this constant numbness in my left arm.
How scary is that?

When did it become so hard to fly

This sucks. When did reality became the cause that I'm rooted down.
When did I became so pessimistic.
Why do I keep blaming things.

It sucks so much to know I cant push myself.
I hate it.
I hate myself.
I really do.

Im just hoping NS will do me good.

Close your eyes; the moon is bright tonight | Hello old friend.

"My eyes are crying because theyre sore.
My body is begging me to sleep.
My head is aching.
But my mind cant allow me to sleep.
Oh dear..

Theres something a miss,
Something unsettling. I cant put a finger on it.

Close youe eyes.
Lay your body down.
Rest your head
And let your mind drift away.
Just tonight.

For tonight is a special night.
For the moon, it glows so bright for you.
So dont be afraid.
Dont worry your heart out.
Tonight the moon will keep us,
The lonely children of the skies company.
For it shines as bright as you first saw her"





Its been awhile blog. How has it been??
Pretty quiet eh? Me? Oh I've changed I guess. People tell me I change like the leaves.
My god sister told me I've lost my smile.
I never noticed that. Hahahahaha.
These days I try to avoid conflict and laugh more often. It stops me from getting angry all these time.
Theres so many things Ive met that I didnt tell you. Where do I start?
Where oh where do I begin?
Maybe I'll list down a few titles and touch about it another day?
That sounds good. Im enlisting to the police force in sep 11.
Hahahaha. What a day right? Best to be brushing up my english before I enlist.
So here they are.

Saving a drowning cat.
Condamn.
Friends.
Graduation.
Service implementation.
Family.
To see the world.
Working in a different world.
Moving forward.
Dear future me.

Yeah I guess these are pretty good titles to sum up these past years.
Hopefully when Im done with this someone in the near future would have a good read.

I find it very funny how Ive changed.
6 years ago, I hated almost everything and was in denial. I wonder if Im still the same person?

Kinda weirds me out to constantly think that we're better than the year before. And the loop keeps on repeating. Maybe I'll look back and wonder what kind of dumbass I am right now. I've made it a principle to lead with no regrets. I wonder if I can still hold on to it. Hahahaha.

We'll see.
Good night blog. We'll meet again.

Haunting memories.

I cant sleep. Im scared to sleep.
Why?

Every time I close my eyes,
my mistakes haunt me.
My mother's tears,
My brother's anger,
My uncle's cry
And
My father's sadness.

They haunt me. My foolishness and temper got the best of me.
Every other night I wonder if I keep dissapointing them.
What should I do to please them.
That need to be forgiven has caused me to choose preference over status quo.
I don't feel free these days.
I feel bound.
Yet there are no chains.
There are no sins.
There are no tears.
Why am I do I feel bounded to my responsibilities?
Is it because of fear and guilt.
Is it because of honor and pride?

I do not feel safe sleeping when my whole world stops at a standstill.

I feel as if the best choice is to return
to seclusion but I know all that will bring me is emptiness and alone once again.

I appologies if I have become too distant but until these dreams stop haunting me.
Until my fear is over.
When I feel as if I can fight against the world.
I will return.

Till then, may the lord bless my soul as the damned continues to wretches and dye my innocence black.

Amen.

I'm not angry, I'm sad that I make too much effort. No one's to blame except me.

There are too many bad people, too little good souls

Whats my value?

Some nights like this, I wonder whats my values.
Did I make the right choices?
Something is misplaced in this aching heart of mine and I cant put a finger on it.
Is it guilt?
Is it depression?
Is it fear?

Something is questioning my worth.
I am blessed.
I remind myself.
I am blessed.
Because I am blessed, I am worth.

Dear N

Telah kucuba meminta kasihmu
Biar menjadi ikatan abadi
Namun apa daya terlerai janji kita
Mungkin takdir yang meminta
Namun apa daya terlerai janji kita
Mungkin takdir yang meminta

Bermusim kita bersama
Menyemai ikatan cinta
Tak mungkin kasihku hilang
Kukunci hati untukmu

Ku genggam kenangan indah
Simpanlah senda gurauan
Andainya kau kerinduan
Itulah jadi penanwar

Sungguh ku terharu dan pilu
Kasih kusemai kau abaikan

Putusnya ikatan cinta
Mungkin tiada jodoh kita

Menangis hati ini
Ku juga bersimpati
Hancurnya harapanku
Maafkan sayang

Kasihmu yang berubah
Aku pun tak menyangka
Itulah alasanmu, pergilah sayang

Biar rindu di kejauhan
Menemani hati yang gelisah
Semoga bertemu jua kebahagiaan

Telah kucuba meminta kasihmu
Biar menjadi ikatan abadi
Namun apa daya terlerai janji kita
Mungkin takdir yang meminta

Namun apa daya terlerai janji kita
Mungkin takdir yang menimpa

Dear N,
Hows your exams doing?

The last time I heard, you were going for your final presentation.

They say the place youre in is lovely this time year.

I'm doing well here I guess.

Some times I wonder what happened if we ever met personally.

Maybe in a parallel world, we'd be together.

Who knows?

You've always kept the faith alive.

I'll never forget that.

Kinda sucks we never get to talk.

We have nothing to talk about anymore I guess.

Hows it like there?

Have you met anyone?

Hopes he treats you well, I never could.

Trying to be the best at what I do is tiring.

And it's getting lonely trying to move up.

You'd always give me the best advice,

What would you say if I told you I wanted to give up so much?

It's getting scary.

Help me.

Because I need you more than ever now.

But the past can never return right?

Things can never be the same.

I understand that.

So I'll find a way.

Rest well N.

You say good morning, and good evening

The day is done, and you've come to find

The words are fleeting, I hear your quiet breathing

Is something wrong?

You come on two knees, with more than two needs

Finding that it's all too easy

To be helped and found

You slept and he said

(Chorus)

It is in you, to carry on

It is in you, to lay down fears that hold

It is in you, to find your way home

Daylight's coming, the sun is blazing

New beginnings seep into you

But in the end it's distant shadows

That finally overwhelm your senses

And this time around

Is it love that you crown?

And this time around

You'll be more than who you are

(Chorus)

It is in you, to carry on

It is in you, to lay down fears that hold

It is in you, to find your way home

[Guitar]

[Drums]

Whoa oh oh oh...

(Repeats)

Could you find yourself a way home? (4x)

(Chorus)

It is in you, to carry on

It is in you, (ohh) to lay down fears that hold

It is in you, (ohh) to find your way home

An old lover should me this song. It reminded me to be better.

The last I heard, she repenting.

I should too.

Gotta find my way home too.

Dear N,

Every time I think of her, I think of you.
Isnt this bad?
Sigh, as much as I had to admit it,
Both of us turned cold.
We have lives to lead. Dreams to follow.
Remember how we used to joke?
How we'd run away on a bike, to travel the world. Just with clothes on our back and money in our wallets.

I blame the feastive season. Its this time round that I'll think of you.

Sigh. What a shame!

Back to the matter at hand.
As I think of her, I think of you.
Does that make her a replacement?
Than thats just mean.
Why do I keep feeling that I wont regret knowing her.
Its her eyes maybe.

I should say hello. To get it out of my system.

I wonder though, do you talk about me during this feastive season?

Maybe not.

As I thought to myself

I kept thinking and thinking.
I wondered what was wrong.
I wondered what went right.
Have you ever realise that the actions and events that took place were faults of your own?
Your ego and pride.
Is the reason things happened that way?

I thought of several things that night.
And realise that all I can do now,
Is bite onto the bitter humble pie.
Making sure it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
So I'll remember.
My ego and pride will be my downfall.
It will be the reason why no one will be close to me.
It will be the reason why I'll feel empty.

I laugh it off. Even with nothing, I am still me.
For all that I have lost, I gained much more.

For that is just me.
What a shame it had to be.

Dear N,

I know we don't talk often anymore but I saw this girl, and she had the same warmth as you did.
Maybe I'm over reacting.

But I wanna talk to her.
She reminded me the same feelings when I wanted to talk to you too.

I'm in a mess right now.

I'm going crazy.

Bad guy,

Talk is cheap,

It's as dirty as it gets.

I'll be a man of my words;

i'll do the best that I can.

Allow me to be the bad guy.

Allow me to be fake.

If it means much to you that I'm perceived as a person who has no character;

then so be it.

I know myself more.

I'm learning about myself more and more.

Tell me I'm lying.

Tell me I'm fake.

Tell me so much more so that you can bring me down.

What's so different about you and me? Is the path I took?

The friends I make, the tales I tell?

The truth I see? or is it the lies I foresee?

What's the difference between you and me?

Are you so real? Are you a percentage above me?

Do you think that I'm a disgrace?

O how pathetic you are!

I grit my teeth.

I grew from nothing, and i'll attain everything!

Is the world not a stage and every man merely an actor of this wonderful tale?

Aren't we all the same?

Aren't we all the producer, script writer and narrator?

O what a shame to be looked down by you!

For what I'm worth, I shall hold everything that's dear to me!

Every single penny,

every single soul!

Every single tear,

every single laughter!

For I strive for it!

I am neither cynical nor do I wish to see you in flames dear friend.

For it keeps me moving, for it keeps me alive.

I shall judge my actions, accordingly.

I shall decide what to do, fittingly.

If a little bird mentions to me of my wrongful doing, then praise the lord!

I shall correct it!

I am sorry if I broke your heart dear friend of mine,

but this is for the best.

For the reaper is calling and I am merely stalling his time.

Persistent you and I.

What joy shall this be.

For there are no victors nor failures.

In a new world, everything is a result from nothing, and nothing is left because of everything.

I shall move on to this new world,

with the pennies I scrimped,

with the tears we all shed,

with the laughter we all had,

with the friends I have met.

We all shall move on to this new world,

for we all have nothing.

Fitting for a world that is out from nothing.

lock

I keep them lock, my memories.

Every sin, every deed and every mistake.

I keep them lock.

I'll admit I hated the old me.

He was picked on, confused and was blamed for everything.

His friends at that point stabbed him where he stood.

Yet, in the honour of having friends, he kept quiet.

Used. Played. Mocked.

Yet I pity him.

As I read through my memories, archive by archive,

I saw this young boy who was ready to face the world; changed.

His confidence slipped away and his anger grew.

Hate and grudge.

That boy didnt write it down, but I could read though his bad grammar.

I remembered how he felt.

But in all his hate and in all his grudges, there was a child who wanted attention.

He wanted to be accepted. He wanted to laugh with the crowd, rather then laughed at.

O how foolish were you.

Yet you never gave up.

Out of that failure exterior others and yourself saw,

You accepted anyone's plea for help.

You threw your dignity, almost risked your education, wasted your money and spoilt your youth.

And at what cost I ask you, child.

At what cost?

For others, you lost yourself.

O how foolish were you?

How could such a cheerful guy became to that pathetic person?

At that point of time, I bet with you, you couldnt look yourself in the eyes.

O foolish child, I knew what you did after.

You stiffened your upper lip,

Hardened your gaze

And dusted the dirt that you laid in for so long, off you.

You locked everything away.

To your looks, to your smile, to your name.

Everything locked away; leaving a tiny gap so you wouldnt forget the essentials.

Again you had nothing.

But because you had nothing, the potential of gaining everything was open for you.

You had nothing to lose, because you didnt have anything to risk.

But does your memories haunt you at night some times I wonder.

Level 2; doubt

Whats your worth?are you any value to the society?

Maybe to your friends?

To your family?

What is your worth?

What is your collateral.

What so important about you, that makes you stand out?

If you could ever find the reason,

tell me.

Because I cant find my worth some days.

Moving on

I prefer friends over lovers to be honest.

They're there for you.

They dont come and go.

True friends are as good as your shadow.

But then again..

To have someone to know your jokes, share your laughter and tears.

Having fun under the big blue sky.

That would be wonderful wouldnt it?

I guess I'll keep on moving till I find the right companions to accompany me though-out my journey.

I wonder how long it'll take?

I guess I have to keep moving on.

tell me what you would do

if I happened to get signed

you would probably tell ya friends u knew i would make it with my little damn sick rhymes

take a look at me, 5 years down the road

im not afraid, just excited about what the future holds

always knew I would make it ever since I was a kid

just wanted to feed my family and that was it

but now the situation's changed, my friend's all fucked up

it will never be the same, cause now everybody's a suck-up

I ain't Jack Neo, well I'm just being human

don't you dare tell me what I'm suppose to be doing

cuz i've been thru so much I can't tell who to trust

in a society where money, power equals lust

its a shame, what the world's becoming to

talk about evil when the evil one's becoming you

work so hard just to know you need to pull strings

and I can't give a damn when fucks ask me to do things (YEAH)

I was destroyed when I saw papa in a hearse

since birth music to me was a gift & a curse

Everybody's telling me to stay strong

while I try so hard to get courage just to move along

I gotta take care of my home but I cry when im alone

In my zone i do shit that you will never condone

I will die for my mom, not everybody can say that

I may look angry but I promise you I ain't mad

laughing at rappers that I know i am better than

the fact that they suck is evidently evident

so do you and and imma do me sucker

if you dont like me, sue me motherfucker

level 1; denial

I hate this.

I hate the society.

I hate the crowd.

I hate and I hate and I hate.

Why am I so scornful?

This society,it's a burden.

It took everything from me.

My time,

My health,

My pride,

My "friends"

My love.

All I wanted was to laugh at the end of the day.

But look at me.

I dont need this shit.

I'm not a doormat.

I'm not your butler.

Everthing I have, will be and has been taken away.

What else do I have to my name?

My smile.

Will you want that too?

Same air.

you wake up.

grab the towel.

get your cold shower.

take your coffee and out you go.

Same things in lesson.

Same things after school.

Same things when you get home.

You go to bed with a heavy sigh.

Wake up and the whole thing repeats itself.

At first youre energetic but as time passes by suddenly it becomes a bore, redundancy.

But you gotta keep on smiling. You gotta keep working hard.

Whats the point then?

Youre unhappy with the way it work.

you decide that the world is unfair.

you blame things.

smallest guestures, smallest offence.

everything's a hindrance.

As your mask wears thin, you realise that people has distant themselves away.

Youre starting to ask why.

What did you do wrong?

You hate how you've became a victim of society.

you decide to blame everything on yourself.

you hate how you dress.

you hate how you look.

you hate how you address to people.

Lastly you hate how useless you think you are.

Whats the point?

Shouldnt you be helping yourself before others?

If you think that you're such a disgrace and a burden, ask yourself this.

Are you a disgrace and a burden to yourself?

The world is your stage and you are the actor, the editor, the narrator and the producer.

If you cant change others.

Look down in yourself and ask, is there anything wrong with me?

but then, in my eyes, you are you. Therefore you are perfect in your smallest ways.

People can afford to hate you. But should that let you down?

I think not. why would you let a random actor bring you down to your knees.

Are you not but equal in a blind man's eyes?

Do you not breathe the same air as he?

do you not walk the same grounds he steps?

Does he not have problems of his own?

Does he not have lack of esteem in foreign crowds?

But why must we allow others to bring us down is such despair.

You are the actor, the editor, the narrator and the producer.

What you do, at the end of the day, is your responsibility.

And your choice.

Is not a pity?

Oh how foolish have we all have fallen.