Haunting memories.

I cant sleep. Im scared to sleep.
Why?

Every time I close my eyes,
my mistakes haunt me.
My mother's tears,
My brother's anger,
My uncle's cry
And
My father's sadness.

They haunt me. My foolishness and temper got the best of me.
Every other night I wonder if I keep dissapointing them.
What should I do to please them.
That need to be forgiven has caused me to choose preference over status quo.
I don't feel free these days.
I feel bound.
Yet there are no chains.
There are no sins.
There are no tears.
Why am I do I feel bounded to my responsibilities?
Is it because of fear and guilt.
Is it because of honor and pride?

I do not feel safe sleeping when my whole world stops at a standstill.

I feel as if the best choice is to return
to seclusion but I know all that will bring me is emptiness and alone once again.

I appologies if I have become too distant but until these dreams stop haunting me.
Until my fear is over.
When I feel as if I can fight against the world.
I will return.

Till then, may the lord bless my soul as the damned continues to wretches and dye my innocence black.

Amen.