Not all rainbows and butterflies

Ive never dated any girl who was so supportive and caring as you.
Im not the greatest guy to be with and theres nothing I can offer.
I cant guarantee the future.
What I do have is now.
Because I enjoy our company.
And senseless chit chats.
The way we stare at stupid scenaries and spend the hours.
Because you fit so perfectly in my arms.
Your annoying voice and duck face varies from my dull voice and lifeless look.
And im scared to shit not knowing the outcome but im man-ing up.
Im the guy who picked the daisy out of a bed of roses because roses do not smell as sweet as a daisy.

Heart ache

Im confused and lost.

I feel shitty.
All I want to do is roam the streets.
My fear of sleep is coming back.
Im running away from my problems.
Im admitting that.
Thats the first step.
Tomorrow will be a new day.

Im sorry I made you scared and insecure.
Im the worst guy to be with.
Im working on that too.
Im so afraid of losing you that im willing to step out of my boundaries.
Im sorry.

Im still contemplating my plans to study abroad. I have no idea whats in store of me.

Im just scared.
But I shall face it.

The clocks theyre ticking, for every second his breath became slower and heavier.

The mere fact that he was awake in the late hours made only his fear spark.

There he lay and there he wondered. For all the glory he gain and for all the achievements he had gotten.
He pondered.
Was it worth it.

To be a forgotten.  To be a ghost. To be merely the tool of the society he desperately pry into?

For his only lips craved for a touch. His body for warmth. 
Yet he was banned and banished.

For the sins he committed. And for all the sins he did not.

So he pondered. Was it worth it.

Most nights my body starts to tremble and shake.
I am out of breathe. Not exhausted but feeling as if I could never breathe.
My eyes are blurry and strained.
Back is killing me. I must have fell.
Sleep is being a constant factor in my live.
Im pushing myself to limits I could never see.
I have to push further.
I cant give up.

Hello. What a mess ive created.
My health is like the weather.
It comes and goes.
My thoughts are a mess.
My esteem in the gutter.
The facade im putting through is wearing thin.
I dont think theres any requirement for this anymore.
These days im genuinely happy.
The other days im wondering why I made such promises when im happy.
Ive learnt guilt and regret are completely different though the former holds a heavier burden.
I wonder if anyone ever reads this anymore.

To be honest. I dont know how to feel.
I feel pretty fucked up.
Am i doing something bad?
Or am i just running away.
Ive lost interest in so many things.
And im tired. Constantly tired.
Its not fair.

I wanna be selfish.
I wanna do stuff too.
I wanna have fun.
I wanna be proud.
I wanna be fit and healthy.
Maybe im just really tired.

Ive done so many things. Been through worse.
Run away kid. Bad tempered. Attempted jumper. Mad man. Liar. Hater. Hated. Black sheep. Lost. Handicapped. Weak. Pathetic.
So many labels.

I just cant say no can I? Why wont i just stay down.

Maybe its because of my family and friends. Probably the only reason.

Was it this hard before N? I guess it was. Kinda forgot how this feels like.

What an idiot, i still mention you. I dont even think you'll remember me.
Thats the problem with me.

I remember faces. I remember their looks. Their expressions towards me.
Happy. Glad. Relieve. Sad. Annoyed. Angry. Hate.
I remember every expression. Its to a point that its haunting me some night.

Maybe im just too tired.